The place was much nicer than what Vanessa expected. Crystal chandeliers hanged from the 30 ft ceiling, providing the perfect lighting. The tables and chairs seem perfectly in place as if they sprouted from the marble floor. And all this accompanied by the smell of good food. To call this a restaurant did not seem right. “The only thing that could make this experience any better was knowing that all my friends made it.”, Vanessa thought. And there they were, sitting in the most extraordinary of round tables. She was glad she was dressed for the occasion too, a dress that her mom had passed on to her, it had sentimental value to her, it gave her a boost of self confidence when she wore it. Vanessa arrived at the table and after greeting all her friends she proceeded to place her drink order with the waiter. “You should order the mango dream, it comes in a fancy long glass that they let you keep.” her friend Matt suggested. Vanessa agreed and ordered the drink. Everyone received their drink along with several appetizers. As Vanessa reached for an appetizer, she bumped into her drink slightly but enough for the long slender glass to tip over and spill all over her dress. After the initial shock faded away, Vanessa turned to Matt who had suggested her drink and proceeded to tell him, “If you wouldn’t have made me order this drink with this stupid glass this never would have happened, why don’t you mind your own business next time!”. She then got up, grabbed her things, and walked away.

When something bad happens to us we typically go through three stages, the initial shock, then disappointment or sadness, followed by blame as we search for the reason why this happened to us. Unfortunately often the blame falls on others, no matter how illogical it might seem. This could be for two main reasons. One is our natural tendency to take the easiest path, it’s easier to put the responsibility on someone else then to admit you made the mistake, which requires you to make a change and change is not easy. Another reason is our brain’s defensive mechanism. In Vanessa’s case, the brain quickly started looking for the threat to prevent what she was feeling from reoccurring, and since an internal threat doesn’t compute well with the brain, it searched externally for the threat and resulted in her blaming her friend Matt even though he had nothing to do with her bumping into her glass. This example is mild if you will, some might even call it trivial as it only involved a drink spilling on a dress. You can imagine how much more significant this become when it involves much more serious matters.

So next time something goes wrong, stop this natural tendency to blame others and blame yourself. This doesn’t mean it’s always going to be your fault, but it allows you to focus on what you can control! In Vanessa’s case, it will also help you keep more friends 😊.