John and his brother Samuel had both just arrived from school and were sitting down watching their favorite TV show. John was in high school, mid-way through his junior year. Samuel was in middle school, 7th grade. They were the only siblings and were very close. Excluding the year when Samuel was a new born and John was struggling to understand why he wasn’t the center of attention any more, they had always been close. And they became even closer as they got older. Their father’s job required him to travel a lot. He was pretty much away three weeks a month, so John took it upon himself to step up and fill in for his father’s absence to help reduce the burden on his mom who worked from home. Although John usually had the tougher days with his high school course work, he empathized with Samuel as Samuel was taking all advanced placement courses, something John wasn’t able to manage while in middle school. Empathy was something John was really good at, Samuel as well, something that their mom had taught them very well. So they had both agreed that before hitting homework after school, they would sit down and watch a show they both loved as a way to decompress, followed by an open conversation on how their day went. It had become a ritual for them and they both loved it.

That evening, soon after finishing their open conversation, John’s phone rang. It was his best friend Omar inviting him to the local theme park on Saturday. In John’s open conversation with Samuel, Samuel had expressed how worried he was about a test coming up the following week, so John quickly saw the opportunity for Samuel to release some of that worry by going with him to the theme park and so he let his friend know that his brother would be going with him. When John told his brother the news, Samuel responded with a resounding “YES!” showing his excitement about the news. Although John had visited the theme park several times, with it being in town, Samuel had only gone once four years ago when their father was able to find some time to take them.

Saturday came and John and Samuel arrived at the theme park where they met Omar and another friend he had brought with him, Jack, also in the same grade as John and Omar. “I asked Jack to join us so we’re an even number since many of the rides are two seaters”, said Omar after they greeted each other. At that point Samuel realized that everyone was expecting him to get on every ride they would be getting on. He remembered how intense some of them looked but then thought to himself, “I was much younger then, I’m sure many rides looked more intense to me then than what they really are”.

When they first went in the park, Omar mentioned a new ride that had just opened that was supposed to be really good. “Word on the web is that the waiting time to get on is crazy, about two hours, but if you go around noon when most people grab something to eat you can get it down to one hour. So let’s make sure to head over there in about two hours”, Omar mentioned, then he proceeded to set the timer on his phone. They soon started getting on some rides. Samuel was having a blast, confirming to himself that all the rides did look much more intense to him four years ago. Before they all knew it, Omar’s timer rang and they all started heading over to the new ride.

When they got there, Samuel couldn’t believe what he was seeing. It was a roller coaster like he had never seen before. The track seemed to be going on for miles, but most of it was in levels, one above the other. Aside from the multiple steep loops that it had, what Samuel couldn’t take his eyes off was the extremely high drop that was completely vertical; it might as well been an elevator drop. Samuel then noticed the sign that advertised the drop at 450 ft. He started getting an ugly feeling in his stomach and was now regretting coming to the park. They all got in line and after a few minutes John noticed his brother’s nervous look. He turned his back to his friends and whispers to Samuel, “Sam, are you OK?” Samuel took a pause, staring at the 450ft vertical drop. He knew his brother was really looking forward to this ride and that him not getting on meant his brother wouldn’t either as there was no way John would leave him alone for over an hour in this extremely crowded place. Samuel then looked at John and said, “I’m good.” “Are you sure”, John asked. “Yes”, responded Samuel. And so they continued to wait in the line.
The boys had been lucky, the waiting had taken about forty minutes instead of an hour, but none was luckier than Samuel as the waiting for him was excruciating as he ran through his head all these scenarios of how ugly it was going to feel while he was waiting in line. After they completed the ride, Omar and Jack were complaining how short it was, despite how long the track looked. To Samuel, it had lasted an eternity, especially as the roller coaster was climbing up the 450ft drop. Time seemed to have come to a halt at that point. He realized that although he didn’t mind some intense rides, this was definitely not his thing, but he was glad he had gone through it as his brother had really enjoyed it. John looked at Samuel and asked, “So what did you think?” “Definitely not my thing”, Samuel responded. John smiled, put his arm around Samuel’s shoulders, and said, “Thanks for getting on it with me Sam”. They all headed over to grab lunch, then after getting on a few more rides they left the park.

On the way home John told Samuel, “You impressed me today Sam, I could tell you were really scared about getting on that roller coaster and you went through it anyway.” Samuel responded, “I did it for you John, I could tell you really wanted…wait a second, you knew I was really scared about getting on the ride and still made me go through with it?!” John chuckled and responded, “Hey, you’re the one that said you were OK with it, besides, what kind of older brother would I be if I didn’t encourage you to face your fears. You were brave today Sam, really brave.” After a short pause Samuel responded, “How do you do it John, to be fearless? It’s like you’re not afraid of anything.” “That is far from the truth”, John replied, “I’m afraid of lots of things. Let me ask you this, when you saw the roller coaster, what were you afraid of exactly?” “I was afraid that the 450ft drop was going to feel really ugly, and I was right!” Samuel responded. John smiled and said “In my case, I had already gotten on a very similar roller coaster when I visited Jackson, New Jersey last summer. So I knew what it was going to feel like and knew that I would like it. But I was a bit scared when I got on the one in Jackson because I wasn’t sure what to expect. Being fearless is overrated Sam, it’s not always a good thing. I’ve seen people take some pretty dumb risks that on the surface would make them seem fearless, but in fact they simply weren’t aware of what they were actually getting themselves into. What counts more to me is being brave because you can’t really control what you will end up being afraid of, but you can control being able to overcome fear. “I never thought about it that way”, responded Samuel, “Thanks John, I feel much better about today now. And actually, now that I think about it, I’ve seen you really scared before. Remember that time several years ago when you accidentally kicked the ball towards Mrs. Susan’s house and broke her window. Soon after, she came out holding a large wooden spatula that probably qualified as a small shovel. You should have seen the look on your face. Then you took off running inside the house the moment she made eye contact.” They both had a laugh then John replied, “Some fears are not meant to be overcome Sam.”

“Fearless” is a word that you often find on billboards, t-shirts, company slogans, to name a few, and is especially popular in sports. The Merriam-Webster dictionary has the word “fearless” as a synonym of “brave” and yet its definition is “free from fear”. So it’s no wonder why it’s often misinterpreted that you should be free from fear to be brave, that having fear is a weakness. We should never feel shame for having fear, and never take it as a weakness. Fear is necessary to give us awareness, make us alert. The weakness is not in the fear itself, it’s in the control we allow it to take over us, if we allow it to paralyze us. Of course, being free from fear has many advantages, the less fear the less chance we’ll be paralyzed by it. But it’s often the case that absence of fear is absence of risk awareness, and this can be dangerous.

Being brave, or having courage, on the other hand is feeling fear then still moving forward, being able to overcome the fear, not allowing it to paralyze us. Often times you must travel through the path of courage to get to fearless. Meaning that to be free from fear of doing a particular thing, you must first overcome the fear of doing it to be able to take that first step. Once you take that first step, the unknowns become known, the comfort level increases, and the fear starts dissipating.

So the next time you feel afraid, don’t be ashamed of it and thank your brain for giving you the awareness. And if you feel that you’re getting paralyzed by that fear, ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” In most cases you’ll find that the worst really isn’t that bad and it will help you overcome that fear.